Imposing Order on Chaos

I’ve been struggling to write recently. My depression is mostly definitely back with a vengeance and whilst I know what’s causing it, it’s very hard to deal with right now. Add to the mix the fact that I’ve had to finish work because of the cause of said depression so am alone and quite isolated for 11 hours a day five days a week and my motivation for life in general has taken a turn for the worse. That said, in an effort to break the spell of self loathing, I’m going to attempt to write my way out of it. I can’t guarantee it will work but I need to do something to break the cycle plus crying all the time is playing havoc with my skin.

Therefore I’m going to attempt to create something a bit like a posting schedule with the idea of trying to do at least three posts per week. One possibly on transmogrification or toys, one of something current whether the beta or just something which has annoyed me that week and finally a screenshot post. For the latter, I suspect I’ll be having yet another go at Tycertank’s A Screenshot A Day challenge at least to begin with. I’m also hoping that once I get back into the swing of sitting down and scribbling something, reflex will take over. Although I’m not brave enough to set fixed days on which to write because that seems to be asking for trouble.

Setting goals right now might be up there with some of the stupidest things I’ve ever done or it might be the one thing which helps me get through the next six months with my sanity relatively intact, without trying I’ll never know and given that my attempts to explain to the medical profession how I feel have gone ignored because apparently despite large amounts of evidence to the contrary, women in my position don’t feel depressed, I have to do something.

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Made to be Broken

As it turned out, Christmas and the New Year to this point have been a bit of a wash out, literally as well as figuratively. At some point during the festive period Mr Harpy and I were infected with a rather nasty virus which left us drained of energy, bouncing between hot sweats and cold ones with absolutely no appetite to speak of. Now luckily since we both return to work tomorrow we seem to be on the way to recovery. I still creak like an old sail ship in a gale when I breathe and my chest feels like I’m wearing a corset three sizes too small but given the deluded state I spent the weekend in, it’s a definite improvement. This bout of sickness has however meant that all the things I hoped to get done this week have fallen by the way side, blogging included.

Now being a list lover, what better way to start the new year than with a list!

I won’t bore you all with all my resolutions, mainly because half of them won’t last the week but here are those which vaguely relate to either WoW or to this blog.

  • Make time to write, blog posts, journal entries, stories. Sometimes it’s healthier for your sanity to get those voices out of your mind and anchored down safely onto paper. This is especially true when your family tree is loaded with slightly crazy fruit (My Mother’s family excel at alcoholism, madness and that dry sarcastic humour which whilst very funny when aimed at others, can make grown women cry.. and in the case of my Mother’s sisters in law frequently does).
  • Learn to knit. Not particularly WoW related other than the secret desire to knit Mother Shahraz. This might be case of  running before I can walk given that the only thing I’ve ever knitted was a jumper for Barbie when I was eight but might as well aim high.
  • Play WoW. Now this might seem like a strange resolution but these days I’m barely logging an hour a week and there are still lots of things in-game I want to do and write about.
  • Spend some time playing around with my strange little blog which was started with such good intentions and then ignored.
  • Comment more on other people’s blogs. I flick through my reader thinking “Oh, I’ll go back and comment on X” and then I get sidetracked and forget all about it. Finally getting my reader set up on my phone should help, that way I can do it whilst commuting to work or in my breaks.
  • As for this blog, having to decided not to mothball it, I’m going to aim for at least two posts a week. One might end up being screenshots every now and then but I’ve come this far so why give up now.

2012 was a strange year for me, a year of spending far too much time in the car driving between cities, of job interviews after job interviews and that strange feeling of being up in the air and not knowing when or where you’re going to come down. Hopefully 2013 will bring stability, a new house and sense of purpose and confidence.

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