Eleventh Hour – Dirty dealings in Durotar

This is my response to Disciplinary Action’s Eleventh Hour challenge.

Summer is coming and where better than to spend it but in Durotar!“. The Undead Priest glanced up from the pile of papers in front of her, sometimes she loved her job. An all expenses paid trip to show some Bloodelves around Durotar… this was far better than actually being on the front line smiting people. Her eyes skimmed the rest of the material, cheesy and no doubt blatant lies in most cases but who was she to criticise. At this rate, her dream of retiring to the glades of her youth were becoming increasingly real. She could almost see it; a little cottage near Brill, with cabbage roses around the door.

Acres of pristine red sand, water front properties are “dirt” cheap and the locals are exceedingly friendly“. Glancing up at the Orc guard standing a little way off she snorted, “Friendly“.. that’s a unique way of saying distrusting and bordering on xenophobic. The guard returned her stare with a scowl. Got to love the Goblins, pretty much everything that came out of their little green mouths was a lie, albeit couched in so much small print and roses it was hard to spot the manure.

Take a moment to close your eyes, imagine if you will waking up to the sound of waves lapping gently* against the shore. The sun is already filtering in through the windows of your state of the art Trollish home and all is peaceful. Get dressed and head outside, catch some fresh crabs or fish and then roast them on the barbecue for breakfast. Compare that with your current humdrum life, spending all day getting hot and dirty killing monsters for peanuts.

Leave the Dalaran rat race today and invest for your future in Durotar. All price ranges are catered for.

Sure, all price ranges are catered for but you can guarantee you’re playing ten times what it’s actually worth. Ah well, who was she to stand in the way of anyone else’s dream. After all, she had escaped the rat race herself. Glancing at the shadows, she wondered where her new clients were. They were late and Razorhill was hardly difficult to find.. ordering another drink she toyed with the idea of going to look for them. After all it wasn’t good for business if she lost customers, selling to harpy food was exceedingly difficult even with the help of a Necromancer. People tended to lose their romantic notions after being eaten alive.  Deciding to give them 5 more minutes, she lent back in her chair and continuing flicking through the paperwork.

Finishing her drink, she quickly ran through the plan in her head. The tour was fairly basic in nature, a quick look around Razorhill itself. Making sure to point out it’s more attractive features, the abundant cacti for example. Distract them with a taste of the famous Razorhill Bitter Cactus Cider and then it’s off to Sen’jin Village. Emphasis the relaxed and happy lifestyle, let them watch the Witchdoctor for a while… tourists always love local colour. From the Village a swift boat ride to the Echo Isles, ply them with coconut liqueur, show them the beautiful sunsets, the statuary and let them feel the history. Pick up a painted coconut as a souvenir, most people love the ones painted to look like Zalazane and get them back to Orgrimmar before they sober up.

Just look at the Sunset

If your years of adventuring have left you loaded, perhaps you want to look at the jewel in the Durotar crown… the Echo Isles. The coconut capital of Azeroth is inhabited by some very friendly trolls and has perhaps the most stable local government in existence. Zalazane has been running things for ages and everything points to him still being in charge twenty years from now**. The sunsets here are second to none and you’re as close to nature as you can get without moving to the Jungle. Watch tigers prowl on your lawn whilst you eat breakfast and then go and shoot one for dinner. Artisan markets cover all your decorating needs, everything from beautiful jade statues to huge carved heads for the garden and sacrificial altars which make amazing tables can be found cheaply here. The Echo Isles truly are a slice of paradise.

Buy our Echo Isles package today!

Smiling to herself, she stood to welcome the couple. A fine smattering of red gold dust already covered their clothing but both had that silly happy look most of her clients did. The look of people buying a dream. “Sit down, sit down. Before we start perhaps a drink and a glance through the brochures yes?” As usual, the couple almost bewitched fell into the chairs and started flipping through the glossy pages in awe. Sipping her drink, she glanced up to see what page the Elves had come to rest on. Ah Tiragarde keep, one of the best sellers.

If you want something a little different, we at the Goblin Property and Solicitors Service can oblige. Perhaps you would like to restore a ruined Keep? If so, step right this way and take a look at Tiragarde.

Of course the trick with places like Tiragarde was to avoid mentioning the army still in residence. Oh and mentioning the gallows tended to be a no no too. Although it was where quite a few of her more recent customers had ended up. Shame you can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs.

Oh flicking again, that’s usually a good sign. Going back to the Echo Isles double page spread. People just can’t resist the idea of buying into another culture’s heritage.. strange but rewarding. Time to start her closing speech, the one about how we could go and look at the properties but that will take time and as the goblins say “Time is money”. After all, these homes are exceedingly desirable and only rarely come onto the market.

Putress was so wrong. You don’t need plagues and elaborate plans of betrayal to wreck havoc on the living… all you need was a few enterprising Goblins and some brightly coloured glossy brochures. Sighing with pleasure, she watched the Bloodelf couple happily sign on the dotted line. From the second she laid eyes on them, she had known they would go for the deluxe waterfront properties on the Echo Isles..  their type always did. Shame those deluxe properties amounted to little more than a few huts but these Bloodelves never seemed to learn. How many years would they need to be part of the Horde to understand that “Stay away from the Voodoo” wasn’t just the Trolls way of making polite conversation but a very real warning. Ah well, a few nights on the Echo Isles and these two would understand fast enough.

*Gently means different things to different cultures. In the obscure dialect used on the Durotar coastline it actually encompasses everything from tiny waves to huge 30 foot tall ones. Isn’t language a fascinating thing.

**Obviously we can’t guarantee that governments will remain stable or that crazed dragons won’t just sink your entire property but thats something you will have to take up with which ever God or Gods you believe in. Who knows in six months time those Trolls might decide its time for some regime change but if they do, we sold you this in good faith and it’s not our fault.


5 Responses

  1. I LOVE it!!! You did so much better than I could have ever done- more thoughtful post to follow!

  2. This is utter and total magic – I was this *holds fingers close together* close to wanting a “state of the art Trollish home” for myself! J’adore!

  3. @ Disciplinary Action – Thank You. When I first read the email, I went “EEK” but somehow it all fell into place.

    @Pilfkin – Thank You.

  4. Two words: Bra Vo 🙂

    I’m not all that familiar with the locales mentioned, but the sales pitch won me over. :))))

  5. Ty, possibly the scariest bit of the whole endeavour was taking my Nightelf Priest on a scouting mission to Durotar looking for suitable locations.

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