Imposing Order on Chaos

I’ve been struggling to write recently. My depression is mostly definitely back with a vengeance and whilst I know what’s causing it, it’s very hard to deal with right now. Add to the mix the fact that I’ve had to finish work because of the cause of said depression so am alone and quite isolated for 11 hours a day five days a week and my motivation for life in general has taken a turn for the worse. That said, in an effort to break the spell of self loathing, I’m going to attempt to write my way out of it. I can’t guarantee it will work but I need to do something to break the cycle plus crying all the time is playing havoc with my skin.

Therefore I’m going to attempt to create something a bit like a posting schedule with the idea of trying to do at least three posts per week. One possibly on transmogrification or toys, one of something current whether the beta or just something which has annoyed me that week and finally a screenshot post. For the latter, I suspect I’ll be having yet another go at Tycertank’s A Screenshot A Day challenge at least to begin with. I’m also hoping that once I get back into the swing of sitting down and scribbling something, reflex will take over. Although I’m not brave enough to set fixed days on which to write because that seems to be asking for trouble.

Setting goals right now might be up there with some of the stupidest things I’ve ever done or it might be the one thing which helps me get through the next six months with my sanity relatively intact, without trying I’ll never know and given that my attempts to explain to the medical profession how I feel have gone ignored because apparently despite large amounts of evidence to the contrary, women in my position don’t feel depressed, I have to do something.

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14 Responses

  1. I totally understand how you are feeling. Praying for you!

  2. Setting goals sounds like a perfectly reasonable thing to do. I’d also try to make it into a routine of some sort (perhaps you always sit down to draft something at a specific time each day .. perhaps as part of a tea/coffee break.). Just don’t beat yourself up about it if one day you just can’t .. you just have to write that time off and try again the next day. *hugs*

  3. hope writing helps you!

  4. Tough to hit the “like” button: wish there was an “I understand” button.

  5. Anything that works, I say. During my worst times I sank myself into WoW. But it’s different for everyone, and you need to find what works for you.

    I get so annoyed when I read about doctors etc. who won’t believe someone’s depressed cause they feel they have nothing to be depressed about. It’s not about that, and they should know better.

    • Thanks. I’ve tried WoW but for some reason my attention span is the first thing to go when I get depressed and I just can’t concentrate on it.

  6. I always enjoy reading your posts. Post when you want, don’t when you don’t want to. Take care and I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

  7. I’m a little late to this post, and I don’t know you all that well, but I have chronic depression too, so I very much sympathize. I hope writing helps, and I also hope that you have a strong support network so that you can start feeling better soon.

    • The support network isn’t particularly good because most of them feel that in my current situation I’ve got no business “moping” around the house. However my Husband is a saint and a star and I’ve no idea what would have happened to me without him.

      • Unfortunately, people without depression find it hard to understand it. I mean, THEY can just DO things, so they don’t understand why we can’t sometimes. And they are (hopefully) trying to be helpful, but don’t understand that some of their comments just make things worse. I’m glad you have your husband’s support at least, because that is so important.

        I’ve found that some of my best support comes from other people with depression because they understand what I’m going through on a visceral level. They know that they can’t just fix me, that I may not have any motivation at the moment, and aren’t going to overreact if I say certain things. (Like, I can say that my brain keeps telling me that everyone would be better off without me without my fellow depressed friends immediately assuming I’m suicidal.) Some of my online friends are way better support than those in “real life”.

        Anyway, I hope that things improve and that you can keep in mind that there really is hope for the future, even if your silly brain isn’t allowing you to see that right now. (Not sure if you’re the hugging kind, but hugs are offered if acceptable.)

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